1/31/2006 10:33:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|So I got the copy of the Kung Fu Hamlet book in the mail this morning, and it looks pretty good. Of course I noticed a missing period and comma, and one of the images isn't centered properly, but on the whole it's not too bad, and I'm glad I took the time I did to go over it and over it and over it late into the wee hours of the morn. The cover looks good, but because I wanted to have a barcode on the back (so that this copy can be sold at bookstores and all) I wasn't able to design a single PDF for the whole cover, therefore, the Title on the binding is plain black and in some normal font and not KFH orange and red in the Nintendo rip-off font that Brett designed. I also textured the gray on the front and back covers, so even though it's a very close gray, on close inspection you can see the difference. I really like the look of the back cover though, it's the poster from the show run through a few photoshop artistic filters, at the moment they slip my mind, but it's pretty rad. I did change some of the pull-quotes on the poster, just to avoid getting sued by someone. I might track down the journalists whose pull-quotes we used and see if they'll give me permission to put them on the back of the book, but that'll have to be for the second edition. The interior layout is good, I centered page numbers at the bottom, but I didn't include any footers to guide those of you who browse to let you know what chapter you're on, you'll just have to deal. In a second edition I will probably decrease the font size and spacing of the novelization text, bringing that text beneath 100 pages. I might try out a different font too, Times New Roman seems so logical, and sometimes the font can be distracting if it's anything different, but I don't know, it's also a little boring. I will probably ask my brother Ian to draw one or two more black and whites for the text. I think I will keep the script text and layout the way it is. The images in the picture appendices are pretty good, but some of the text along with the pictures seems to bleed a little. This is probably because I saved the text with the images as low-quality Jpegs, for the next edition, I'll add the text when I put the images together in the Word document just before converting to PDF. I hope this stuff is vaguely interesting to some of you. In case anyone has some questions about self-publishing, I've got a little experience now, and I'll keep you updated on some of my future self-publishing projects. Order the book: http://www.lulu.com/kungfuhamlet word.|W|P|113872816550866659|W|P|GOT THE BOOK|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/31/2006 10:27:53 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|Thank you for the opportunity to be a part of what should, in all rights, be a world wide extravaganza of kung fu and Shakespeare enjoyment.

It rocked.

It's too bad Hamlet hates freedom.2/01/2006 11:03:20 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|he doesn't hate freedom so much as he hates you.1/30/2006 01:26:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|My cousin is so disgusting. He's ten and he told me he could do this cool burp, but he needed three pieces of cheese. "Three pieces of cheese?" I asked. "Yeah," he said and he ran inside to get three squares of American cheese. A few words on American cheese: that stuff is so nasty. Why does that have to be American cheese? Why can't fried cheese curds be our national cheese? At least they taste good. My guess is that the individually plastic-wrapped squares are representative of three of America's most celebrated virtues: 1. Synthesized food products are better than natural ones. 2. Convenience above all. 3. Complete disregard for the waste which the first two virtues inevitably spawn. During college my roommate and I went grocery shopping and in the interest of thrift discovered the Hostess/Wonder bakery outlet store. Over the course of the next week my roommate ate nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches made with Wonder Bread and "plastic" cheese (as he lovingly referred to it). Needless to say when he dies I'm sure he'll keep very well. But getting back to the story, the whole burping with cheese thing came about because I downed a can of Barqs root beer and unleashed a furious gaseous emission. I don't usually brag about such things, but it was quite the ten-second, monster burp, and I have never been a potent belcher. It's one of a number of skills that I didn't master at twelve when all of my friends did, but that I'm really beginning to improve upon now. Other such skills include: hocking loogies, popping wheelies, and teasing my siblings. These skills will not help you find a job, they will not help you find a girlfriend, they impress only the most immature members of the male species, but somehow such low-brow literacy helps a body feel complete. It's reassuring to know that with these weapons in the arsenal, if I were magically transported back to fourth grade I would be the most popular kid in class. All those present for my historic burp were very impressed, and of course my cousin, in the interest of familial competition, had to immediately attempt to one-up me. One-upmanship is a strategy I have the utmost respect for. I first learned about it from a crazy pre-calculus teacher I had in high school named after William Wallace who used to wear a kilt to school on special days. He once sailed across the Pacific Ocean by himself and he was a passionate Ross Perot supporter in 1992. He pulled me aside before school one morning and told me how he used to one-up everyone during exams in college by arriving five minutes before the exam with nothing but a pen and a big grin on his face. Meanwhile everyone else would be rapidly reviewing notes and stressing out, painfully aware of his subtle tranquility. I often employ this strategy to stand only slightly above peers and coworkers when a possibility presents itself. It's the slacker's pass to moderate stardom. So, it was then that my cousin boasted he could out-burp me with the assistance of three slices of American cheese. He got the slices from the fridge, unwrapped them and began to eat them. Actually, let me correct that, he began to chew them. Chew them very sloppily with his mouth open while laughing. I'd like to end the story by saying: then he burped and the cheese fell out of his mouth, because in essence that's all that happened. But that would not do justice to the spectacle of that putrid mass of orange goo swirling about in his mouth. A miasma of dairy wannabe and early stage digestive juices came plopping forth as he burped. It can best be compared to a regurgitated organ partially dissolved by acid or leprosy. It was a completely unimpressive nearly inaudible burp, but I was stunned, and needless to say…impressed. The moral of the story is: never get into any sort of bodily function contest with a ten year-old, because they will always, always be willing to take it farther than you would ever imagine. And after you lose, all you can do is yell at them to clean up the mess they made with their cheese burp, and that just makes you feel old. |W|P|113860654589234289|W|P|cheese burp|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/30/2006 06:23:23 PM|W|P|Hbomb|W|P|Dear Gabe,
You and your regurgitating, gerd-having cousin have delighted and impressed me with your tale of audible, gaseous(or is that gaseus...ehem, polonius)prevomiting. May I please have a one way ticket into the Llanas Family?1/31/2006 11:26:38 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|yes, we're having a two for one special this week. If you give me two of anything you get into the family. I currently need two mechanical pencils, two hot dogs, or two arms to hold me tight...1/27/2006 12:36:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Okay, so this is two weeks late, but we performed KFH at St. Francis High School, and it went incredibly well. I don't have any good stills, because I was busy putting on the wig and whiskers to fill in for Chowie as the King. So there's just the cast who was there and Ian warming up. So deal with THAT! Many, many thanks to Barb H-T for getting it set up and thanks to the student body for being a great audience. Also thanks to Ian for playing the ghost, Haley for returning to play the queen, and Superamerica for feeding Wong and I some delicious hot breakfast sandwiches before the show. |W|P|113834447939631109|W|P|school show|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/27/2006 08:19:26 AM|W|P|P|W|P|Gabe's in the middle of a hot girl sammich...and Kiseung is the pickle.1/26/2006 01:03:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|Okay, so even though I haven't had a chance to proof it, I was compelled to post the KFH book on Lulu, since it's all ready to go. That being said, I recommend waiting until yours truly blogs about the quality of the edition before ordering, because I might make some changes to it (likely not textual, unless there are some glaring grammatical inconsistencies) after I have a chance to see it in my hand. here is the link: www.lulu.com/kungfuhamlet I was at the Guthrie tonight, they're doing The People's Temple . I strongly recommend checking this show out, it was really well done. It's all about Jim Jones and the Jonestown tragedy, but it's surprisingly not as depressing as one might think. One observation though: Isn't three hours just an unreasonably long time to ask someone to sit still? This show even had an intermission, but my back was KILLING me by the end. For real, I enjoy theatre and all, but there are few plays I go to where I do not experience some very intense physical discomfort before its over. This is why we strive to produce entertaining and BRIEF productions. anyway, pictured is one of the pictures from the book drawn by my brother ian. He captured the essence of Chowie's interpretation of the king extraordinarily well, plus Queen Gertrude is hot hot hot like FIRE! |W|P|113826182241501382|W|P|don't be hasty|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/26/2006 10:20:43 AM|W|P|MD|W|P|I read the preview and it looks cool.
The images are awsome, well done:)1/25/2006 01:18:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| It's happened again, I've wasted another perfectly good night that I could have spent reading by sitting in front of my computer desiging products for the No Refunds website. I come up with the pictured design for a new T-shirt and posted it on the cafe press page, so you can order it right now if you want. I might take another look at the color scheme though, and maybe order one to make sure it looks good on cotton. At some point someone had suggested that we do t-shirt designs for all of the KFH moves, and I only just remembered that fine piece of advice today. Whoever it was who suggested it, thanks a frigging bunch. my new years resolution of reading a book a week is not grateful to you at all. I'm already a week behind as it is. In case you were wondering, I'm reading Closing Time, the sequel to Catch-22. It's not that great. You know, although I've never seen the movie, I hear it's awful and I therefore don't want to see it, but how on earth could you screw up Catch-22? i should also confess that i made that new year's resolution about three days ago. does that still count?|W|P|113817409939495779|W|P|new SSSofD T-shirt|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/25/2006 08:24:49 AM|W|P|MD|W|P|So what was your resolution?1/25/2006 10:44:31 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|to read a book a week. But it just means I need to read 52 books in the year, so i get some wriggle time if I re-read all the Series of Unfortunate Events books or something. I haven't decided if audio books count or not, but chances are they will have to.1/25/2006 02:31:42 PM|W|P|MD|W|P|Cool :)
Does playboy count?1/26/2006 01:53:50 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|unfortunately playboy doesn't count, which is really too bad, since my grandma renewed my subscription for me as a Christmas gift. Thanks, Grandma!1/24/2006 02:41:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|After many months of toil and encouragement, not to mention some pressure from the ravenous public, I finally finished laying out the Kung Fu Hamlet manuscript so that it will be available on line from Lulu.com. About five minutes ago I ordered a hard copy of the book to proof and see if there are any other layout changes I will need to make, so it will be about ten days until the book is available for download or purchase. I decided to combine the novelization and the script for stage into one edition instead of selling them seperately. If there is a need or quite a few requests for the stand alone script or vice versa, you might anticipate a later edition, maybe even one including the original Fringe script of KFH as well as the scripts for Zombiemania and 8/7 Central, our much-maligned and oft sorely remembered production. I have to admit though, I recently stumbled across some video of one of our 8/7c performances and I had a number of belly laughs, mostly induced by the choice line-deliveries of some of our beloved cast members. ("No thanks, I don't take alcohol.") Well played, Clinton Also included in the book are the pictures that my brother drew (somewhat visible in the background on the website, and some new material I added: the KFH picture appendices, with instructions on how to perform some of the deadliest and most dangerous moves in Kung Fu. I really wanted the book to be almost DVD-like, and for a brief moment I toyed with including the blog posts from last summer and this recent run, but I'm not sure how it would read, and if the photos would come out, plus I didn't want Allen to sue me for unlawful use of his image. Allen's image is already unlawful enough without my help. And if you were concerned about how he did on his social research methods test, don't be, he talked his way into getting an extension, that slimy git. please enjoy the picture of the purposefully terse cover art for the book, and a few of my nephew Miles, holy crap is he cute!|W|P|113809308073395269|W|P|KFH the book|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/23/2006 10:29:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|Now that we've closed the books on another run of Kung Fu Hamlet. Some of you might be wondering what the future holds for No Refunds Theatre Co. At the moment we have a new show in concept for the 2006 Minnesota Fringe Festival. More details to come on that, but for the moment I'll give you a little insider info and let you know that the plan is to have our five show Fringe run be episodic in nature, so that each performance will be unique and have it's own story structure, but there will also be a build up over the entire five shows. I know that's all very abstract, but it's a top secret project and ya'll ain't got code clearance. There's also some rough plans for a fundraiser to put together some money for a run of Kung Fu Hamlet in NYC. We here at No Refunds love money, but so do you so we know we're going to have to be very convincing if we expect you to give us your hard-earned Hamiltons. If you are an artist, then expect to be kidnapped and forced to perform for the delight of our guests. For that is how No Refunds rolls: mad abduction in the house. You might also see some changes here on the website. We're hoping to add some more video, this is to appease some cry-babies in the cast who are mad that we didn't have any footage of them on the DVD. Deal with THAT, Mr. yorkE! No really though, it should be cool. We are also going to finally build the Zombiemania page. Zombiemania is a show that remains near and dear to all of our hearts here at the company, and my brother, Ian (the creator of all the zombie effects and composer of the KFH original soundtrack) and I have been tossing around some ideas for a Zombiemania remount, bigger, badder, bloodier, and did I mention BLOODIER. Unfortunately, this would be WAY out in the future, so far out that I can't even count that high. In the mean time, to satisfy your appetite for gore. You should try to check out Showtime's series Masters of Horror. I've only seen the Joe Dante one, but it was called Homecoming and it's about zombies and electoral fraud. Which are two of the most chilling topics in the universe. It watches a bit like an episode of Tales From the Crypt, a very good episode of Tales From the Crypt and the political aspect is a bit sophomoric to we knowledgeable West Wing aficionados, but it's very entertaining and such a fantastic concept. Zombies. You just gotta love 'em. word.|W|P|113803588376954317|W|P|Concepts|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/23/2006 01:06:24 PM|W|P|MD|W|P|Wow, you guys are going to be busy.
Keep up the blog, its fun.1/28/2006 02:17:51 PM|W|P|Hbomb|W|P|Did you say new zombie show way way in the future? Just to let you know, I still plan to exist at that point in time of way way in the future. ZOMBIE...cast me!...ehem...bless me.1/21/2006 02:49:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Here is a lesson from the top secret no refunds vault. My dream job would be to write locker combinations. um, nineteen... twenty-four, hmmm. NINE! Brilliant!|W|P|113783374087375762|W|P|learn for yourself|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/21/2006 02:21:00 PM|W|P|chowie|W|P|Only thing missing from that diagram is the top secret Flailing Gangly Arms manouver.1/22/2006 09:51:12 AM|W|P|BeerLuvr|W|P|This post has been removed by the author.1/19/2006 08:16:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| So, I was just laying out the KFH novelization and script duo pack to be posted on-line for your purchase and pleasure when all of a sudden I realized that for the past four years I have been misspelling Polonius. On every draft of the script and in every manuscript of the novelization I sent to publishing houses I spelled Polonius with an extra "O": POLONIOUS. No wonder no one wanted to publish it... This is called epenthesis, which is the insertion of an extra syllable or letter into a word where it does not belong. But it might not be exactly, since the extra "O" did not affect the way the name was read. Sometimes this technique is employed by poets and oraters for the sake of meter, but more often it is a vice of speech. Examples are: Nucular instead of Nuclear or Engaland instead of England. I apologize, but at the same time, I'd like to reprimand everyone who was ever involved in the production for not correcting my error. This is all your fault. I'm sure the explanation for the mix-up was the fact that Thelonious was a name I knew how to spell. In any case, enjoy the pictures of some of the great Poloniuses from history in whose noble company Matt Dawson finds himself only because he was too cheap to hire another actor. word|W|P|113768210024591661|W|P|spelling|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/19/2006 09:09:26 AM|W|P|MD|W|P|Gabe you are way smarter than all of us - we would never question your spelling.
I just assumed that Shakespeare had got it wrong.1/19/2006 10:12:52 AM|W|P|chowie|W|P|another correction for you. when you say, of dawson, that "he was too cheap to hire another actor" you should in all honesty say "we were too cheap to hire another actor."1/19/2006 11:36:18 AM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|Is that why they kept spelling "I hate Freedom" A-L-L-E-N-W-O-N-G?

Darn public schools.1/19/2006 12:15:37 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|well, truth be told, you physical actors aren't so much to blame as the voice actors. They were the ones always looking at the script, and I don't even think the monks know how to read.1/19/2006 01:10:13 PM|W|P|P|W|P|I read at a 5th grade level.


And I make fun of Dawson's character by calling him "Baloney Polonius".

Or maybe it's supposed to be "Bologna Polonius".1/19/2006 01:29:08 PM|W|P|chowie|W|P|i like balonius polonius donkius maximus best.1/19/2006 03:34:17 PM|W|P|RK|W|P|For the record, I, the voice of PoloniUs, noted this misspelling long ago (this past summer, to be semi-precise), and have meant to mention the error to Senor Gabe ever since, but alas, my failing memory always foiled my intent. Either that or I just figured the poor kid's fragile ego couldn't take it (you know, since he wouldn't let me do any ad libs whatsoever). My apologies to all that I did not condescend and correct as I normally would.

Also, are you saying it ISN'T pronounced "Eng-a-land"?1/18/2006 01:47:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Allen Wong is soon departing these shores for the grey havens of New York, where he has to take a test on Friday on social research methods. This test has Allen Wong a little nervous, so I thought it would be best if we could send Allen off with a little confidence in the way of a list of facts about him. So this is a call for facts about Allen Wong. Some of you might be familiar with facts about Chuck Norris, and Vin Diesel, and that's all fine and dandy, but we want facts about a real person, a real person named Allen Wong. I'll start, you take a few minutes to think about it and then post your own. When Allen Wong went to see Rocky, Rocky and Apollo Creed both lost. Allen Wong invented bullets, just so he'd have some competition. The reason Jean Claude Van Damme had to stop making movies was because Allen Wong killed him. When Allen Wong's ride was on pimp my ride, they decided to pimp Xzibit's ride instead, then Allen Wong killed him. Allen Wong got fired from his job as a porn star, because he killed too many people. When Prometheus stole fire from the gods to give to mortal man, he got to choose whether his punishment would be to be chained up to a mountain and have crows come to eat his liver which would grow back everyday for all eternity, or be locked in a room with Allen Wong for twenty minutes. He chose the mountain. The Bible says woman was created from Adam's rib, but it was actually Allen Wong's rib, which is why Allen Wong is so damn sexy. Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? Not Allen Wong. When the Pope told Allen Wong he wanted to have him canonized Allen canonized HIS ass instead. Allen Wong's favorite breakfast food is Pop Tarts, his favorite flavor is man flesh. When the witch asked the magic mirror who was the fairest of them all, the mirror exploded and Allen Wong appeared. He killed her with kung fu and married Snow White then he made shoes out of the seven dwarves, but since there was an odd number of dwarves he grew another leg and now he kicks 50 percent more ass. Allen Wong invented the cotton gin.|W|P|113757407835773141|W|P|Allen Wong FACTS|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/18/2006 07:56:34 AM|W|P|P|W|P|Alan Wong never had to catch flies with a pair of chopsticks.

He just sat at the table in front of a pair of chopsticks, the fly landed and placed the chopsticks around itself. All while Alan just nodded.

The makers of "Cutter" an "Off" sent him a letter asking him to stop...so he killed their asses too.1/18/2006 10:38:17 AM|W|P|MD|W|P|True fact - When Alan Wong got into my car, I crashed it, and yet none of the cars were damaged.
Too cool1/18/2006 12:26:35 PM|W|P|brettish|W|P|Allen Wong directed Gremlins 2: The New Batch.1/18/2006 01:20:55 PM|W|P|P|W|P|When the gatekeeper opened the door for Dr. Peter Venkman, she responded "There is no Dana, only Wooooonnnng!" And then proceeded to roundhouse kick the Ghostbusters in succession.1/18/2006 01:38:47 PM|W|P|RK|W|P|Anti-gun lobbyists tried to make Allen Wong obtain a permit before ever removing his hands from his pockets. Allen Wong complied, and then snapped their necks.

Allen Wong knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop. One . . . two . . . throat punch.

Q: What are Allen Wong's tears made of? A: Uranium and death

While watching "Memoirs of a Geisha" Allen Wong got bored and yawned. There were no survivors.1/18/2006 04:31:24 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|This post has been removed by the author.1/18/2006 04:40:42 PM|W|P|chowie|W|P|In the upcoming Rambo IV: The Holy War, Sly Stallone will reveal himself to actually be Allen Wong in disguise.

Wong will then tell us that Rambo III is no longer dedicated to the gallant people of Afghanistan, because he killed them all after learning they didn't like Judge Dredd.1/18/2006 08:54:56 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|If you rearrange the letters in "ALLEN WONG", and add an I, M, F, H, T, two E's, R, D, and M and then get rid of a G, W, two N's and two L's you get -

I HATE FREEDOM

Coincidence?

Allen Wong does not suffer for your sins, you suffer because Allen Wong wills it.

Allen Wong ate a baby once, before it was conceived.

Ireland once challenged Allen Wong to a drinking contest. Ireland lost so badly that now all Irish to this day are alcoholics.


Once a huge commet was thinking about what planet to crash into and destory all life on it. When it heard that Allen Wong was here to defend Earth it took off again, only to return some 76 years later. Haley's Comet to this day keeps showing up to see if Wong is still here.


When Allen Wong takes a test, no matter what he writes reality rearranges itself to make it a correct answer out of fear.

Allen only has one weakness, and you get two thumbs sideways if you can figure it out. But if you use it, he'll kill you.

Chuck Norris challenged Vin Diesel to a "Bad-Ass-Off", but when he saw Allen Wong standing in for an intimidated Vin Diesel, he was so scared he roundhouse kicked himself in the face and hid in his beard.

Germany was going to invade Czechoslovakia first, but Allen Wong was visiting there at the time and said, "hey, knock it off". The disheartened Germans took their shame to Poland, instead.


Allen Wongs sperm, when ingested, causes pregnancy. Every Time.1/18/2006 09:14:57 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|Allen Wong can cross the streams.

Allen Wong can feed Mogwai after midnight.

Hurricanes are just Mother Natures poor attempts to emulate the power of Allen Wong's Buddha's Palm.

Allen Wong can yell a cut at a critter and the piece will jump off the animal, cooked the way Allen Wong likes it, if the animal knows what is good for it.

Allen Wong had a child once, who said to him, "When I grow up, I wanna be just like you". Allen Wong ate him. Ain't NOBODY like Allen Wong.

Today's word is Allen Wong.

And that's the word.1/19/2006 05:25:07 PM|W|P|Torn|W|P|This post has been removed by the author.1/19/2006 05:28:26 PM|W|P|AWW|W|P|Allen Wong's parents got married in 1973. They decided to have their first child (Allen) 5 years after the wedding. The great Bruce Lee died in 1973. Could this be because Lee knew that there was one who would eventually be good enough to challenge his supremacy and "coincidentally" had a fatal cerebral edema once he learned of the plans of the Wongs?1/19/2006 11:10:26 PM|W|P|Matty Boom Boom|W|P|Some guy once asked Allen if his face hurt.
Allen replied "why, no it doesn't"
Then the guy said "Well it's killin me!"

He wasn't joking. He died in three seconds.1/19/2006 11:18:55 PM|W|P|Matty Boom Boom|W|P|Q: How many dead babies can Allen Wong fit in his mouth?

A: None. Allen only eats healthy, full grown adult lumberjacks


One day, when Allen was going about his business, 7 ninjas jumped him. Allen said "Well ninjas, I must say you surprised me. But hey, you're ninjas, and I'm Dr Allen Wong. Everybody knows we do martial arts all the time, why don't we challenge each other in an entirely new way? Let's have a contest of physics equations and the first one who can't answer the question must admit defeat and take their own life."
The Ninjas all agreed this was an interesting change of pace, so Allen said "Okay I'll start, but my equation involves many complicated formulas that require visual aids. Does anyone have a pen or a marker?"
While the ninjas all looked to see if they had a pen or a marker Allen punched them all in the throat and killed them, thus proving scientifically that Allen Wong is more clever than 7 ninjas.1/19/2006 11:22:44 PM|W|P|Matty Boom Boom|W|P|Some guy once said "Hey Allen, you want a hertz donut?"
Allen replied "Why yes, I like donuts."
Then the guy went to punch Allen in the shoulder, but instead Allen hit the guy's fist with a deadly chi shoulder strike, and Allen's deadly chi went so far into the guy's body that they had to amputate his arm and both legs and then the doctors sealed the amputated arm and legs in a steel box and tried to throw it in the ocean but the deadly chi made them explode out of the box and go back to kick the guy's ass a second time1/19/2006 11:26:48 PM|W|P|Matty Boom Boom|W|P|This post has been removed by the author.1/19/2006 11:32:39 PM|W|P|Matty Boom Boom|W|P|One day, Allen was going about his business when he met Mozart, who invited him into his house. When they were inside, Mozart asked "Hey, do you know who I am?"
Allen said "No, I do not."
Mozart said "I'm Mozart! The greatest composer in the world!"
Then Allen slapped him in the face 9 times and walked out, leaving Mozart crying loudly under his piano, thus proving scientifically that Allen Wong is a better composer than Mozart1/20/2006 12:08:05 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|When tsetse flies bite Allen Wong, they get tired.

The reason the Great Sphinx is missing it's nose is because it sneezed near Allen Wong and didn't say "excuse me". Allen Wong HATES a lack of manners.1/16/2006 08:05:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Now comes the time in history when I shall make predictions about where the members of the cast will be in the near future. Let's start with Allen Wong, Hamlet. Allen will rise to superstardom this year after being selected as a guest judge for the Miss America Pageant and in some freak voting mishap, he himself will win the pageant and become Miss America 2006. Trevor Hartman's experiments in home-brewing will go fortunately awry and his next Brew will have an engorging effect causing any person who drinks it to grow thirty feet tall. The effects are sadly temporary, as Trevor will find out while terrorizing downtown Minneapolis in search of Naomi Watts. Jerome Yorke's homemade, water-propelled personal spacecraft will launch him successfully into orbit. His million dollar spokesperson deal with Taco Bell will go sour, however, when he does not land in the Taco Bell parking lot where he was supposed to, but comes down instead at Starbucks who then comission him to design a coffee-propelled spaceship. While wearing his practi-kilt, Chad Gallagher will accidentally step into a rift in the space time continuum landing in China in 200 AD where he will invent Kung Fu and discover America. Roman Postle is going to fall in with a bad crowd at school and experiment with drugs. But lucky for him, the cast of Kung Fu Hamlet will be there to intervene just before things get too serious. Ryan Kathman's acting career explodes when it is discovered that he's been printing his resumes using gunpowder instead of ink. (oh, that's bad) Kiseung Rhee will finally crack the case of the missing babysitters and he will use his new-found noteriety in the neighborhood to launch a dog-walking business. Clinton Jeffrey accidentally opens a portal to limbo and get scary german guy and a virgin to read some secret incantation and close it before dracula takes over the world. Mary Ellen McCormick will become the first person to win both American Idol and Survivor in the same year. Michelle Dickinson tires of the fighting competition available to her here in MN and enters the Kumite where she takes second place to Bolo Yeung, and only breaks two ribs in the process. On a dare Michael Postle will eat his weight in Godfather's Pizza, but due to an unforeseen curse from the mythical russian witch Baba Yaga, he will transmogrify from the inside out into interstellar gangster Pizza the Hut. As for Matt, Chris and Steph, their futures are intertwined, but hazy... I see a Hamster wheel, a magical lamp, and a desperate struggle against Medusa and the Gorgons.|W|P|113747393924880995|W|P|gabestrodaumus|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/17/2006 06:07:45 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|They're not a bad crowd, they're just misunderstood...1/16/2006 12:26:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Push pause on your player for there has come another gap in the ongoing story of Kung Fu Hamlet. We closed out this two-weekend run at Intermedia with a killer Sunday afternoon crowd. It is always a pleasure to put this show on because it never fails to find some new fans. Seeing as how we were running the show in MN in the middle of winter, some of you might think we could have been running an awful risk, surely if it were -20 degrees out no one would want to come see live theater no matter how frigging awesome it is. Well, luckily we dodged that bullet by calling in a favor to our old pal Destro who put the Weather Dominator to some positive use once and for all. Good ole chrome dome delivered some of the most temperate temperatures we've had in years, thanks again, Destro, and word to Cobra Commander too (he's my dog). Seth, a friend of the lovely and talented Michelle, shot some video for us from the front row, and I grabbed some action shots even though they're a bit blurry, I think it's always fun to see some of us frozen at our most physical extreme. First we've got a few from Matt and Allen's Polonious vs. Hamlet fight. And although it's not fully captured here, the intensity with which Allen walks toward Matt after punching him in the face is quite intimidating. Then Clinton as the queen strikes a palpable hit against Allen. Of course we had to include the nearly-pornographic, shirtless Monk Pyramid, oh, how impressive are Kiseung's, Roman's and Chad's chests! Next is my Big Boot to Allen's face, deal with THAT, Wong! Then a little airborne action from the final fight, and we finish off with The King and Horatio squaring off for the real final confrontation of the show... So, thanks for following this run. Over the next few days, I'll detail the future plans and hopes and dreams of our cast as they all cope with Post-Kung-Fu-Hamlet Stress Disorder. word.|W|P|113739571493641302|W|P|press PAUSE|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/15/2006 01:43:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Our second-to-last show went extraordinarily well. It was another fantastic crowd, and of course the cast delivered perhaps some of the finest performances ever witnessed in the whole history of kung fu theater. If you are unable to make it to tomorrow's final performance, you might as well stab yourself in the chest with a kitana because life will not be worth living if you don't see Kung Fu Hamlet. These are actually stills from yesterday, but I'm going to pretend you won't notice, look in wonder at the quick mortal claw! observe the p monk all stars in their thuggish wonder! And don't forget Mikey Postle's Keanu impression as he instructs Ophelia in the ways of Elsinore's House of Pain. So, are there any Lemony Snicket fans out there? Because I read the penultimate peril, but I gotta say, the series of unfortunate events really lost its momentum somewhere around the hostile hospital. I think the big issue is that the Baudelaire's are so righteous and pathetic, and they're not interesting and funny like Count Olaf, who is evil and stupid. Evil is funny. I feel like I blogged about that before. Deja vu.|W|P|113731201196936799|W|P|The Penultimate Presentation|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/15/2006 10:34:28 PM|W|P|Ray|W|P|It is a shame I only heard about this so late in its run...I would go to great lengths to bring in more disciples if there were more shows. Your style is unmatched.

The whole cast was wonderful. The story was tightly written, compacting Hamlet down to an hour, telling the basic points, and still managing to throw in the requisite sparring over any point of contention. The use of the talented voice actors not only allows for the whole 'kung fu movie dubbing' joke, but gives the physical actors a lot of room to really be creative with their expressions and physical humor.

If anyone's looking over this page considering to go to some future showing of this, stop reading and start calling up your friends to invite them to a showing...better yet, invite them to all the showings...get their money in advance and tell them no refunds! I can't recommend this highly enough.1/16/2006 01:21:33 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|Thanks, Ray!
I'll do my best to keep everyone who reads the blog updated on the future of this show and our other productions.
word.1/13/2006 10:01:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been suffering from abulia, which is an inability to act or make decisions, therefore I am much like Hamlet. Other ways that I am like Hamlet are as follows: my best friend is named Horatio, and I live in Denmark. But enough about me, how about tonight's killer show? Dominic Papatola gave us a nice little mention in the Pioneer Press, and we largely have his appreciation of the show to thank for our near capacity crowd. It's easy to get the energy up when the house is full and energetic. Bill, shot a brief amount of footage from the front row. He brought the crew from Luverne, MN to the show. They are die hard fans who saw the DVD long before it was released, and it was nice to have them. In any case, here are a few stills from the show. No captions today, because the Wong made me sick and I'm going to bed. I think he might have given me mono. Hey remember that episode of Happy Days when Richie got mono? That was a very special episode...|W|P|113721417482024326|W|P|Abulia|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/14/2006 11:09:48 AM|W|P|JPS|W|P|Simply stunning and well done, my ass has been laughed off. Oh and Hamlet crazy? More like Ophelia crazy. Hah, crazy Ophelia.1/14/2006 12:57:26 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|Don't forget about Guildenstern crazy, OH YEAH!1/14/2006 01:31:46 PM|W|P|MD|W|P|Yes, Guildenstern is very crazy, especially with all of that lycra.
Luckily he has a great figure so he can pull it off.
Unlike that plump monk ;)1/14/2006 03:21:49 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|That monk prefers the term "fat".

Hamlet doesn't twitch very well. He's very non-twitchy.1/09/2006 11:49:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| A few months ago I discovered the greatest discovery in the history of the internet. I'm a bit of an NPR junkie, and of course I knew that in theory you could go online and listen to basically any NPR show from the past several years. Well, it's not just a theory, it's true! In any case, I've been devouring old Fresh Air interviews and an occasional episode of Car Talk or This American Life even though Ira Glass's voice makes me want to chew on glass (and I'm passionately jealous of their little frigging intellectual literary humorist circle; you know, David Sedaris, Sarah Vowell, They Might Be Giants, Dave (almost won a pulitzer) Eggers, I think Lemony Snicket fits in there somewhere too, damn you! Someday I will be your friend too and then you will face my wrath!) but seriously, This American Life is usually pretty cool, and there was one story I recently discovered about some inmates performing Hamlet in a prison. They could only rehearse and perform one act at a time because they're not allowed to be involved in a single activity for long enough to do the entire show at once. Anyway, the story is called Act V and it documents the final act. It's very moving and revelatory and emotional in all those cliche This American Life ways, but it's a good show, and if you like Hamlet, you'll really enjoy listening to it. Here's the link to the show http://www.thislife.org/ just go down the left column and click on our favorites, it's called "Act V." word.|W|P|113687314979066601|W|P|the power of hamlet|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/08/2006 05:53:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Sunday is a nice day for a matinee, we had a pretty decent turnout, and they really seemed to enjoy the show, as well they should have! We're doing a show at a high school on Thursday afternoon, so that we might educate and enlighten the malleable minds of minnesota's adolescence with the academic masterpiece that is Kung Fu Hamlet. In all seriousness though, we've had some really nice audience comments, and in addition to the people whose minds are blown away by the fighting and humor, there are always the Shakespeare aficionados who love the moments of actual dialogue from Hamlet and those are the comments that warm my frozen heart of eternal winter, just like Aslan returning to Narnia warmed Narnia, even though that wasn't an eternal winter, it was a 100-year winter, which is still a long damn winter, especially with gas costing what it does. Actually, come to think of it, Mr. Beaver said that some of the trees were on the White Witch's side, well, duh, the White Witch likes it when it's cold, what tree in its right mind would be on a beaver's side, he frigging chops trees down to make his home, and then burns them up to stay warm. If I were a dang tree I wouldn't be friends with no Beaver. Dang! Well, check out the photos, we've got Allen's infamous (that's more than famous) drunken fists, Chowie as the king watching some stuff go down, and then Allen reflecting on Yorick and where be his gibes and gambols. Where they be Yorick? Where they be... |W|P|113677395674644791|W|P|Gibes and Gambols|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/07/2006 11:53:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Hey, we had a great show tonight, very upbeat crowd, and lots of fantastic action! So much so that I was compelled to shoot some video from the wings. Maybe tomorrow I'll see if I can sneak the camera onstage in my pocket and shoot some footage of lint. Anyway, we've got the voices: Trevor's the one in the dark making the sound effects, Ryan's next to him voicing the voiceless monks, and Mary Ellen's just chillin', which was a nice change because before the show she wouldn't stop throwing quarters and commanding that we dance. She is like a wicked sorceress or that tap-dancing musical demon from the Buffy musical who makes people explode from too much dancing. Then there's Allen about to unleash some fury into Roman's iron chest. The other still is Chad as the Ghost, interrupting Allen's fight with Queen Gertrude, played by Clinton who is going to be retiring from the stage after this run of KFH and going to Culinary School. I don't have a joke or a snide remark to make about that, he's a pretty good cook. Sorry, girls, no photos of Mike Postle today. In pre-show news, there were several tasteless and offensive jokes told during warm-ups and in the dressing room, here is my favorite one: What happened to the baby monkey when it fell out of the tree? It died. |W|P|113670091771523811|W|P|DANCE!|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/11/2006 11:13:37 AM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|Releasing fury into my iron chest is a lot less messy than when he released his fury onto my iron chest the other day after rehearsal.

That Hamlet is so dreamy and freedom hating.

*sigh*1/07/2006 03:19:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| I was so overcome with nerves and exhaustion that I only shot footage before the house opened while all of the actors and martial artists were warming up on stage. Oh woe is me, hopefully the blog is still interesting for you. And if it's not, then I will sick Mike Postle on you. beneath that bandana he wears is a highly advanced brain-control module which I control with this joystick in my hand. And beware, I am well-practiced, Mike is not the first man I have controlled with my joystick, nor will he be the last. Oh, by the by, the show opened tonight and it went pretty well, but since I'm such a dedicated actor, I can't really comment beyond my own performance, which I assure you was Serkisian. Also, someone from my office actually came to the show, which strangely meant so much more to me than I ever would have imagined...|W|P|113662560846075959|W|P|OPENING NIGHT!|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/07/2006 02:42:55 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|That picture of Young Postle? The arms you see? Those are his. He didn't use stunt arms for this show.1/09/2006 11:49:37 AM|W|P|P|W|P|That's false. I had them grafted on by a Doctor in Mexico.

I had a terrible time trying to translate, and I almost walked away with a rather large pair of breasts instead.1/09/2006 12:29:49 PM|W|P|P|W|P|I was originally going for the "Red Lion"/"Green Lion" arms, but Lance and Pidge wouldn't give them up.1/09/2006 03:58:31 PM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|And I'll form - The Head!!!1/06/2006 10:44:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Since tonight is opening night, I have decided not to unveil any secrets about the show, which is my custom. Rather, I am going to dissertate on a topic of great concern to me: do brown shoes go with gray slacks? The answer would appear to be not so much. Now that that's out of the way. Please enjoy the images at right from our last rehearsal, unless you count the rehearsal we're doing before the show tonight. For those of you who were thinking about making reservations, it's not a bad idea, but to get youre reservations in by email for tonight's show, they will have to be received by 3pm. Otherwise you can call. I realize also we haven't posted ticket prices anywhere, and that's for a good reason, the tickets are ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! This is the theory from that lemonade stand game I used to play in grade school. If you charge a ridiculous price, there might be one sucker out there who'd pay it, and then all you need to sell is one glass of lemonade. but seriously, tickets are $15 for adults, $12 with a fringe button and $10 for kids under twelve. Now, observe Michelle's Ophelia ponytails at right and then LOOK OUT! She's CRAZY!!! Word.|W|P|113656648241877994|W|P|Tonight Tonight|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/06/2006 11:02:58 AM|W|P|MD|W|P|Crazy!!! Yes maybe, but you know you love it that way ;)1/06/2006 11:30:27 AM|W|P|RSvP|W|P|Brown shoes NEVER go with grey slacks.

Ever.


Never let anyone tell you differently.

I think the monk in the black suit looks fat.1/06/2006 12:26:10 PM|W|P|MD|W|P|Wow you are right, that is a fat Monk.1/06/2006 02:20:10 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|crazy girls make me feel funny on the inside.
fat monks make me taste funny on the inside.
brown shoes smell funny on the inside.1/05/2006 03:49:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Tomorrow is opening night. So we spent Wednesday night doing tech rehearsal, for those of you who are not familiar with this theatrical jargon allow me to explain Tech rehearsal in a patronizing and condescending way. Tech rehearsal is a very important rehearsal when the demons of theater come to earth and challenge the actors in a play to contests of skill, and then Steph writes all the light and sound cues and we rehearse on the stage where we will be performing, which is in this case, the lovely INTERMEDIA ARTS. As you can see in the pictures we are preparing for the final confrontation between good and evil. This is why you will often find that in the cast of a play, much like on the crew of a spaceship there will be at least one heartless, mercenary soldier. In the case of our show we have many heartless mercenaries so we were able to dispatch the demons quickly and get on with the very serious dramatic business of Kung Fu Hamlet. An interesting production note: my brother, Ian, who wrote and produced on his computer all of the music for Kung Fu Hamlet had originally timed out the song for the monk fight exactly with the choreography, but the fight has been getting gradually longer and longer, so tonight after rehearsal I had to go over to his place and have him loop the track, but blending it seamlessly upon itself like that MC Escher Moebius Strip with the ants. Is he a genius? I think so. Also, some of you might wonder why Allen wears white as Hamlet, when traditonally Hamlet is dressed in all black. Well, it just so happens that in many Asian cultures white is the color of mourning, and not black. Allen used to just wear a white coat over his silky black outfit, but now he is going to don full-on white gear for the whole show...|W|P|113645598008639123|W|P|TECHIN' 2|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/05/2006 03:04:24 PM|W|P|P|W|P|Thank you, Gabeometer, for posting by far and away the worst picture of this small-mouthed Czech that has ever been taken.

Postle's don't sleep...we wait.

Boo-ya1/04/2006 11:01:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Tuesday night's rehearsal was all about putting some of the finishing touches on a few of the scenes. Once we get everything perfect, we will cryogenically freeze the cast and seal them hermetically in some tupperware until showtime. Perfection is a rare commodity in this world, and this cast is plagued with an abundance of it. For those of you who are looking for some insider info on the show, here you go: Mary Ellen said she liked somebody else in the cast, but then when interrogated further, she said that she liked everybody and doesn't LIKE Like anyone. Also, some of you may remember that in previous incarnations of the show the monks were featured in a dance number. The three monks (pictured above: Roman, Chad and Kiseung) clearly have no aptitude for dancing, and instead the show will have the first ever Kung Fu Hamlet training sequence wherein all the deadliest secrets of the evil practices of the dark martial arts will finally be revealed. Allen can do the splits between two chairs because he's a freak of nature, just like Jean Claude VanDamme, but without the sexy frenchness. One last thing, someone bustered during rehearsal and although we all know the age old aphorism: "he who smelt it, dealt it" I can assure you it was not me, because I just heard it and then left the room discreetly so that I would not smell it and be falsely accused. Also, if it had been me, I would have known, because I would have felt it. It should go "he who felt it dealt it." because that was somebody else. The last photo is of Matt, Trevor, Steph, Mary Ellen and Ryan observing the histrionics of the graveyard scene with incredulity. In only a few days, you too will experience the same incredulity as Kung Fu Hamlet annihilates your SOUL! |W|P|113639552229603763|W|P|almost there...|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/03/2006 10:19:00 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| Recent rock and roll hall of fame inductee Allen Wong has returned to the Twin Cities and shown up for rehearsal sporting a new hair style. Some of you might be wondering where Allen achieved such style, well, I will tell you, he is going to be featured on an upcoming episode of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, in which the fab five take Allen shopping and redecorate his apartment so that he can get a date with a beautiful girl named Cindy. Unfortunately the episode ends in disaster, much like the episode of Family Feud which featured the Strokes versus Guided By Voices. The fab five turn on the Wong when he refuses to shave with the grain and violence ensues. Allen of course thrashes all of them, except for Thom, who apparently has taken a few ninjitsu lessons from American Ninja: Michael Dudikoff. Needless to say it promises to be a very exciting episode, even more exciting than the time Allen was on Celebrity Poker Showdown and he gave James Woods an atomic wedgie. Allen is pictured doing some very girly martial arts and playing Tetris. When Ryan met Allen, he had this to say: "Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person." At least, I assume he was talking to Allen when he said this. word|W|P|113630638824340810|W|P|Wong Arrives|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/01/2006 09:41:00 PM|W|P|Gabe|W|P| It is now 2006 and as such, I shall make my predictions for the year. First, a dramatic turn of events in the Postle brothers battle for the magical stretching towel (pictured above and right): after years of bitter warfare, Roman and Young Postle will bring the towel before the great King Solomon the wise who will instruct them to karate chop the towel in half and each of them take a half to protect themselves from germs when they need to stretch upon unfamiliar carpet. After several weeks they will decide that it is impossible to karate chop a towel in half unless it is first frozen, so they will order liquid nitrogen to freeze the towel so that it can then be chopped in half, but in a wacky chemical company mix up, they'll be shipped plutonium, get chased by Libyans, accidentally travel back in time and fall in love with Michael J. Fox's mother and Pepsi will never be invented. Second, Ryan (pictured at above) will begin a weightlifting regiment, enter and win the Mr. Universe competition, and with the prize money he will realize his life-long dream of starting a record label and he will call it: Medical Records. And my third and final prediction for 2006 is that Chowie will turn into a chrysalis and emerge several weeks later as a beautiful butterfly. word gabestrodamus|W|P|113617519723406037|W|P|feliz ano new juevo|W|P|gllanas@gmail.com1/03/2006 03:41:32 PM|W|P|P|W|P|It isn't "impossible" to karate chop a limp towel. As much as it isn't "impossible" to push a marshmallow into a piggy bank.

Sure, there is a reeeeeally stretchy analogy referring to impotence in both of those statements. Not that I'd know. I'm not saying...I'm just saying.

HiiiiiKeeba!1/04/2006 11:31:48 AM|W|P|Gabe|W|P|this sheds an all new disturbing light on the time you invited me over to make s'mores.